The Hogwarts Court Case
by Chopstick Legend
Summary: Two of the Hogwarts Professors are sueing each other. Who will win?


Pussycat Vs Wolf boy  
  
In an empty classroom somewhere in Hogwarts.  
  
Minerva: If I have told you once, I have told you 1000 times DON'T CALL ME PUSSYCAT!!!  
  
Remus: Why not Pussycat?  
  
Minerva: Just shut up Wolf Boy, We all know you have a death wish but you are really beginning to piss me off!  
  
Remus: DON'T CALL ME WOLF BOY!!! You know how much I hate being called that.  
  
Minerva: I will only stop calling you Wolf Boy if you stop calling me Pussycat. Got it??  
  
Remus: No, You do realize that one of these days you are going to call me that in front of my wife and then you will be in really big trouble. Remember that Pussycat!  
  
Minerva: Oh I'm so scared! Hey Wolf Boy I think I hear Madam Pomfry calling you! It must be time for your flea medicine!  
  
Remus: Stop calling me Wolf Boy or I'll.I'll.  
  
Minerva: You'll what? Sue me?  
  
Remus: Yes that's what I'll do. I'll sue you!  
  
Minerva: Why do I give you these ideas? I feel so stupid now.  
  
Remus: What's new Pussycat?  
  
Minerva: Shut up Wolf Boy!  
  
Remus: That's it you will be hearing from my lawyer!  
  
Remus storms out of room  
  
Minerva to Remus's departing back: Yeah and you'll be hearing from mine! Turns to storm out through different exit only to find that this classroom only has one door.  
  
Minerva: Dam, I forgot classrooms only have one door! Finally storms out same door as Remus  
  
*Later that same day in a different classroom*  
  
Rebeus Hagrid: I am here to talk to you on behalf of my client Mr Remus Lupin. My client wishes to sue your client for harassment in the form of calling him "Wolf Boy".  
  
Professor Sinistra: Well really! My client Mrs Minerva McGonagall wishes to sue your client for harassment in the form of calling her "Pussycat".  
  
Rebeus Hagrid: Well we can't both be suing each other it's just not done that way!  
  
Professor Sinistra: So what should we do?  
  
Hagrid: Well, since my client was the first in I say he gets to go through with what he wishes to do and your client can go suck a lemon!  
  
Sinistra: No way! I take that as harassment to my client and shall be mentioned in court!  
  
Hagrid: #### you! , (This bit had to be censored) Fine then lets have this court hearing in the great hall four days from now. Okay?  
  
Sinistra: That's fine by me, oh and don't forget your witnesses because you are going to need them! That last bit of swearing will be mentioned in court too.  
  
Hagrid: Why? It had nothing to do with the case at hand!  
  
Sinistra: I know but I just wanted to see the look on you face when I said that!  
  
Hagrid: You cow! Storms out of the room in fury  
  
Sinistra: Well that was interesting! Calmly walks out of the room whistling " Always look on the bright side of life"  
  
*The great hall, four days later* Dumbledore is sitting in his usual seat dressed as a judge and on either side of him is a Jury made up of Professor Flitwick, Professor Trelawney, Professor Snape, Professor Vector, Professor Binns and Professor Sprout.  
  
Dumbledore: Order! Order!  
  
George Weasley: I will have 10 chocolate frogs and 5 packs of stink bombs please!  
  
Hermione: That's not what he meant! He meant for everyone to sit down and be quiet.  
  
George: Oh Professor Sinistra, Minerva, Rebeus Hagrid and Remus all enter hall and sit on two benches on opposite sides of the room  
  
Dumbledore: This case is now in session. I call upon Professor Sinistra to bring in her first witness.  
  
Sinistra: I call upon Justin Finch-Fletchley to come to the stand Justin enters the room through back door and walks nervously up to a large cardboard box, just to the left to where Dumbledore is sitting. Justin climbs into the box and stands facing the crowd.  
  
Dumbledore: Justin, do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?  
  
Justin: #### yeah! (More censoring)  
  
Dumbledore: Well I think he swore well enough then so you may start questioning him.  
  
Sinistra: Mr Finch-fletchly, 4 days ago you over heard an argument in a classroom, in this very building.  
  
Justin: Yeah  
  
Sinistra: Could you tell us what this argument was about?  
  
Justin: Yeah I could  
  
Sinistra: Well, will you please do so?  
  
Justin: Oh yeah sorry, Well I never saw who it was but the first voice I heard sounded like Minerva's voice telling somebody to stop calling her "Pussycat" and then she used the word "Wolf Boy" to describe her companion who was definitely Remus by the sound of the angry voice that responded.  
  
Sinistra: What was the response?  
  
Justin: The response was "Don't call me Wolf Boy, you know how much I hate being called that!"  
  
Sinistra: Did either of them try to make peace at any time?  
  
Justin: Yeah, Minerva told Remus that she would stop calling him "Wolf Boy" if he stopped calling her "Pussycat" but Remus refused the offer.  
  
Sinistra: Do you think that Remus's actions were juvenile and may have been related to his .um.problem?  
  
Hagrid: Objection! We all know that Remus is a bit. um ...different, but that question has nothing to do with the case at hand!  
  
Dumbledore: I agree, so will you please either use your miserable little brain to come up with some better questions or step down!  
  
Sinistra: Well really, how rude!  
  
The court case continues for 6 more hours, 4 of them just going through Sinistra's witnesses!  
  
Six hours later. Load snores are coming from just about everyone except for Hagrid, Sinistra, Remus, and Minerva.  
  
Hagrid: Um guys, I think the judge and the jury are asleep!  
  
Sinistra: You know, the stupid dimwit is right!  
  
Hagrid: DON"T CALL ME A DIMWIT!!!  
  
Remus: Pipe down you two! Look why don't we just wake them up?  
  
Minerva: but when we do we'll have to make sure they don't find out who's idea it was to wake them up.  
  
Remus (In a soft dangerous voice): Why do you say that?  
  
Minerva: They may have a heart attack from the shock of Remus actually thinking!  
  
Remus: I hate you!  
  
Minerva: Good for you!  
  
Sinistra and Hagrid together: WAKE UP!!!!!!  
  
Dumbledore and the Jury: What!??  
  
Sinistra: You fell asleep during our court case!  
  
Dumbledore: My apologies. I must still be tired from staying up late to see the uncensored Big Brother episode last night.  
  
Sprout: Should the jury go to a different room to discuss their verdict?  
  
Dumbledore: What an excellent idea, off you go.  
  
While the Jury discusses their verdict the rest of the great hall to entertained by Harry Potter and Ron Weasley reciting all the Tom Lehrer and Monty Python songs in order and followed by the parrot sketch. The jury finally re enter the room after 2 hours.  
  
Sprout: The jury has finally reached a decision!  
  
Sinistra: Just tell us already!  
  
Sprout: All right! All right! We have decided that both Remus and Minerva are guilty of harassment and shall pay each other 50 galleons compensation.  
  
Remus: I don't have that kind of money!  
  
Minerva: Neither do I idiot but if we are paying each other the same amount then the amount of money we have won't change.  
  
Remus: Um.Could you run that by me again?  
  
Minerva: What I mean is that we have both payed each other what we owe already. Understand that or should I repeat it in laymen language?  
  
Sprout: Why can't you guys just be friends?  
  
Remus: You know she's right. Lets just be friends again okay?  
  
Minerva: okay  
  
Less then six hours later in a classroom in Hogwarts.  
  
Minerva: If I have told you once, I have told you 1000 times DON'T CALL ME PUSSYCAT!!!  
  
Remus: Why not Pussycat?  
  
Minerva: Just shut up Wolf Boy, We all know you have a death wish but you are really beginning to piss me off!  
  
Remus: DON'T CALL ME WOLF BOY!!! You know how much I hate being called that.  
  
Something's never change do they?  
  
THE END! 


End file.
